BE THERE

The last week has been emotionally challenging with the death of a fifth grade student at my school and the sudden illness of my dad. During these times, people often reflect and I am one of those people that does just that.
This week I have thought about how precious and fleeting life is and how I take it for granted, as do many people. I am not talking about valuing life, I am talking about living the moment because you have it. I have read all of the "Fish" philosophy books by Stephen Lundin, Harry Paul and John Christensen. The foundation of those books is a four part premise: PLAY, CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE, MAKE THEIR DAY and BE THERE. In the past I have considered "choose your attitude" and "make their day" to be the two stronger points. I have also read "The Present" by Spencer Johnson in which he describes "the present" as being present. Being present is a gift we can give each person we come in contact with by being there, being present. While someone is talking to us, it means we stop doing whatever it is we are doing and engage with the person speaking to us. I am guilty of not being present with my children, my parents, my staff and even my husband.
Check out your level of being present:
Do you...
1. keep texting while you are having a meal with someone or even just hanging out with them?
2. continue working on email or the computer when someone is talking to you in your office or home?
3. draw, make lists, text or other small tasks while on the phone with someone?
4. find yourself thinking of what you need to do next while someone is talking to you or even thinking about what to say next?
5. interact with other people while someone is talking to you (wave at someone walking by, nod at someone, look around the room or call out to a person close by)?
If you have done one or more, you are not being present and your definitely are not THERE!
Everyone wants to feel and believe what they are saying is being heard, understood and validated. We can't do this if we are not present, not there.
Try to BE THERE and BE PRESENT by doing things like:
1. Put your phone away and on silent when talking with ANYONE!!!! The distraction is too tempting and just hearing your phone can draw your attention away.
2. Keep your eyes on the person talking with you. The eyes and face provide so much information to the conversation. Be sure not to miss the little nuances.
3. If you are busy, let the person know that you do want to hear what they have to say but you are in the middle of something. Make time in your schedule to have him return. He will appreciate your honesty and know you do want to hear what is being said.
4. Observe others to see if they are present or there for you. It is eye opening when you realize you are not being given someones undivided attention.
5. To make sure you are hearing what is being said, you may want to restate what the person is saying, ask questions to clarify and ask them to repeat something.
Don't dismiss someone too quickly. You may never get a chance to hear what he had to say or even share your own wisdom. Life is precious and fleeting so make sure to BE THERE and BE PRESENT!

Bedside Manner

I am sitting in the CVICU at Roper St. Francis Hospital in Charleston, SC. After two days interacting with nurses and doctors regarding my dad's health, I believe medical schools need to focus more classes on bedside manners. One doctor spoke to us and the information he provided was limited and the majority of the time he talked he was looking at his phone-how rude. I was obviously not his priority and my dad wasn't either. Another doctor has been in the hospital two different times and has yet to talk with us. One day he called my mom's cell phone and claimed he couldn't find her. We have been in the room with dad or the waiting room. He must not have looked too hard. Today he didn't speak to mom while she was standing beside my dad's bed. What's up with that? Where is their bedside manner? How much time did their medical school spend on that. It is as if they know we are dependent on them and they don't feel as if they need to make that effort-especially since they are considered some of the best in their fields. If I were to act this way with the parents of students at my school, I would be called on the carpet by the school board, superintendent and probably have a letter to the editor written in my honor. Who is holding the medical profession accountable?
If there is a medical professional in your life or you are one, here are a couple of tips from a patient's family member:
1. Be more sensitive when you talk with the family. They are experiencing a crisis and need your sympathy, kindness and respect.
2. Hear what they are asking you. Don't dismiss their questions or minimize their concerns. Do not assume they won't understand what you are telling them.
3. Be specific with information. Repeat it because the family needs time to process and comprehend what is being said.
4. If you are busy and don't have time at the moment they are asking, then be honest and tell them as soon as you get a handle on what you are working on then you will give them your undivided attention. DO NOT, I repeat, do not ignore them and think they will or should leave you alone and don't get exasperated if they are persistent. This is their loved one!
5. I try to put myself in the place of the parent I talk to about their children so when you are talking to family members of patients, think like you are talking about your own family member and what information you would want and how you would want it.
I realize you have a job to do that can be critical at times. Part of that job is communicating with the families so you are trusted and they are comfortable with the care you are giving. I also recognize that some people are naturally more compassionate and sensitive, but as a health care professional your bedside manner goes a long way in the healing process- not just for the patient but for the family, too.

The Tongue-A Double Edged Sword

What does a double-edged sword look like and what is its purpose? An actual sword with two edges (double edged) can be used to cut both ways-up and down or left to right-without having to maneuver the sword. The term double edged sword is an idiom that refers to something that has two sides to it-favorable/unfavorable, blessing/curse, pro/con or good/bad. I know from experience how you can say one thing at it can be received as favorable and unfavorable. My sweet daughter is learning that lesson as a freshman in college sharing a dorm apartment with what started out as total strangers.
If I could reach into her head and mouth, I would help her see just how powerful and dangerous her tongue is. I am sure some of the things that she is saying need to be said but sometimes it isn't what you say but how you say it. Try getting an 18year old independent young woman to control her double-edged sword.
Ask yourself these questions to see if you have a double edged sword for a tongue:
1. When I say something do I get a mixed response? (some agree and some disagree)
2. Have I been told I need to hold my tongue?
3. Have I been accused of being bossy or controlling?
4. Do I speak before I think about what to say?
5. Do people misunderstand my intentions because of what I say and how say it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your may be wielding a double edged sword for a tongue. What can you do to tame that tongue and wield it for blessings rather than curses?
1. Listen to yourself speak. This sounds silly but really stop after you say something and truly hear what you said and the tone you said it.
2. Confide in a trustworthy friend and ask them to let you know when what you say cuts both ways. The most important part of this is to listen to your friend and accept what he says. DON'T be defensive or hurt. Grow from it.
3. Make sure what you say builds people up and doesn't knock them down. This does not mean you lie to someone so you have something positive to say. Like my mother always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." You are not being a doormat or letting people get away with anything. On the contrary, you are preventing drama from taking places.
4. You may want to record yourself when you are talking to people. It is surprising how a person thinks they are saying something versus how it actually comes out. Hearing your own voice and the accuracy of the recording will reveal the truth. Don't be ashamed of what you hear-learn from it and change.
5. Be willing to take responsibility for what you say. If you aren't willing to admit you said something-DON'T SAY IT! Once it comes out of your mouth you can't take it back-ever. A person never knows the real impact her words have on someone-good and bad. It is most important then to choose your words wisely.
I love my daughter and this blog is in no way a dig at her. In fact, I see myself in her so often it scares me. If I can spare her a few hard lessons that I learned the hard way, I will consider myself an effective mom.

Love Notes from my Husband

Every time I leave for a trip, Lavoy does something so sweet and meaningful. He write me love notes on the back of his business cards or a small note pad and tucks them in my bag in a variety of places. This simple act lets me know that I am loved. I have found them in my make-up, inside a pocket of pants, inside a shirt sleeve so when I put the shirt on I found the note, in my socks and shoes and even inside my vitamins. There was no cost involved. It took Lavoy a few minutes to write the notes and figure out where he was going to hide them but I would imagine that didn't take very long. The affect his notes had on me will last much longer than it took him to write and hide them.
What have you done for your true love, lately? Sometimes, it is the little things that wind up being so precious to your true love. Be creative and think about how your true love really knows he is loved.
Gary Chapman has written a great book, The Five Love Languages that identifies how different people perceive love differently-
1. words of affirmation
2. physical touch
3. quality time
4. acts of service
5. receiving gifts
It is amazing once we understand that person's love language than we better understand what is important to them which impacts how they behave.
1. Words of affirmation don't cost a penny. Find some words and use them-I love you, You are very important to me, I appreciate it when you take out the trash or unload the dishwasher, Thank you for rolling the trash can out to the curb or bringing it back... You might be surprised how effective those words of affirmation can be.
2. Physical touch is another love language that has no cost. Holding your spouses hand, squeezing his shoulder as you walk past him in the living room, hugging every time you get home and greet each other or sitting close while watching television are just a few examples of physical touch.
3. Quality time is another one that has no cost attached to it. How many times have you heard your spouse ask, "When will you be home? Why don't you stay here instead of play golf? When will you be off of the computer?" These are signals that your spouse wants to spend quality time with you. Spending quality time could be simply watching television together, talking a walk, sitting in your room and catching up from the day, cooking dinner together, or playing "Scrabble", "Chess", "Backgammon" or any other board game.
4. Acts of service is yet another love language that has no cost attached to it. This is probably the hardest one for people to exhibit to their spouse because we live in a society of taking and expecting rather than giving. Acts of service could be something as small as unloading the dishwasher when you know your wife is tired, ironing your husband's clothes for work, putting the children to bed together, calling in your spouses prescriptions for refill, filling the cars up with gas at the start of the week... The list can go on. Don't ask what you can do, just do it!
5. Receiving gifts is the one love language that could have an expense involved. If you are sentimental and creative, you may not need to buy anything. My husband brought me a rock he found at work that was in the shape of a heart and my children bring me leaves, flowers and special mementos that they think I will appreciate. There was no cost involved. Every girl likes a bouquet of roses or a velvet covered box with some bling in it but every gift doesn't always have to be a grand gesture.
Again I ask, what have you done for your true love, lately? Make sure you identify his love language and speak to him.

Life's Journeys

As I write this blog I am on a "Trailways" bus headed for Orlando, Florida with 23 archers from the Blaney Archery Team. This great adventure and event for me and the students makes me pause and reflect on how far I have come from being an elementary student myself.
As a fourth grade student in Bethel, Ct. I found my best friend Lisa Steiger and had my first male teacher, Mr. Fenn. He hung a smiley face on his door with a mustache because he had one. I had a great elementary school experience from singing in the chorus, square dancing and learning to play the trumpet in the fifth grade to having two more male teachers in fifth grade that were ahead of their time in creative and differentiated instruction. My math teacher, Mr. Armadilla, had us learn money by playing the Price is Right and Mr. Frasier had us develop and create a device that would hold an egg and not crack if dropped from the roof of the school. We actually got to go on the roof of the school. Wow! How the memories flood back when you give yourself a chance to remember.
I didn't like middle school but not because of the teachers. It was all the drama that goes on in middle school. Friendships changing, bodies changing and trying to figure our who you are. I had some wonderful teachers in middle school. Mr. Jackson was my sixth grade teacher and he saw something in me that I didn't see so he was a great encourager. He listened, he had high expectations and he cared. The saying, "children don't care how much you know until the know how much you care" is so true. After all these years being able to remember Mr. Jackson and his class is evidence to me that he did care and was a great teacher. I can only pray my former students look back on their experience in my classes with the same respect and appreciation. There were disappointments-didn't make the cheerleading squad, my best friend, Lisa, and I drifted a few years and my naturally curly hair in the age of straight, long air was a confidence killer. My parents taught me responsibility by allowing me to have a paper route. That gave me money to buy things I wanted and do things. I remember buying banana flavored lip smackers, going to the roller skating rink every Saturday, and riding my bike to Bethel Food Market to buy my favorite candy, red licorice, or to the 5 and 10, Jerome's or Mullaney's to get "Razzles" because it is a candy and a gum! Those were the days.
Coming to South Carolina to attend the College of Charleston was life changing. I became a Christian, began my teaching career and met Lavoy. Once I started teaching, I knew I wanted to become a principal. That journey took 13 years-2 years to earn my Masters degree in Administration and another 9 paying my dues. At the time, I couldn't understand why I wasn't being hired for an assistant principal's position but being able to look back I see how much I learned in those nine years. Nine years gave me the opportunity to teach special education in Williamsburg County and Florence District 3. I later moved to Lugoff and taught middle school special education and later 7th grade ELA and 8th grade ELA and math. Being able to say to my staff that I have experienced K to 8th grade, regular education, special education and held a variety of leadership roles while teaching allows them to trust me more because I do speak from experience.
As a mother of three children, my Life's Journey has taken many twists and turns. My current path is watching my two older children find their own life journey without me and Lavoy. That is so hard. Letting go is almost as hard as raising them to be responsible, caring, productive citizens. My heart aches walking through my house that was once filled with activity. One child remains at home so there is still activity-just not as much.
When I was in fourth grade, I never would have imagined or even could have imagined the journey my life would take. It has been good and I know in another 20 years or so I will reflect back and be amazed at the rest of my Life's Journey.